Ooohhh! Do I really want to do this? I don't know. I have some resistance. And I am gonna do this anyway. =/
This shed has led me to dumping so much mental and emotional crap. Crap that I didn't even realize that I hung onto...
The thing about it all is, I have had all the symptoms of holding onto to emotional/mental crap. Really, I have.
Obsessing.
I obsess as a way to avoid confronting the shite. Obsess and obsess and obsess. The big, huge, ginormous give away that there is stuff to look at. That I need to rest with myself and the pain or the fear or the whatever it is, until the obsessing stops.
It means stopping the obsess train in its tracks and getting the fuck off the damn train. No more games. No more beat myself up because I didn't follow some crazy-ass rule made up by my family of origin or ones that I decided to make up to deal with the insanity of growing up under The Big Top. Yes, as in The Circus.
It means finding some compassion. Kindness. Gentleness. Love for myself. And yes, indeedy, I DO love myself. I certainly love myself enough to get off that fucking train.
The rules of my childhood didn't save me from the pain of rejection. The banishment. Because I spoke The Secret. (Since those rules did NOT save me, why the fuck do I obsess over them? I am burning them up, babe, in the bonfire of the true light of my own soul. Bring it forth.)
Even more than that, The Circus is the Cosmic Joke of my life. Really. Was my mother the Bearded Lady, the Ring Master or the Lion Tamer? And my dad? That crazy monkey in the red vest and cap, chasing a banana with a pair of cymbals...and me? I was the Tightrope Walker. Uhuh.
Oct 20, 2010
Oct 17, 2010
Sunday...
*Sigh*
I really am thankful that I chose to engage in all this shedding. Really. I do feel pretty tired, mentally, though.
Today, I am reminded yet again that I tend to take myself too seriously. I tend to take life too seriously as well. And what for?? It is not something that I choose to do consciously...it just starts happening when I feel stressed (I think). And then, it just spirals outta control.
Life is not without its messes, minor disasters, pains, wipeouts, upsets and general chaos and insanity. The trick, I think, is to just roll with the punches and let it all be okay. Basically, I can't think of one single thing from the last couple of weeks that is permanent in my life. Everything changes, so why not sit back and enjoy the show?
It has been challenging for me to realize that I have to let go of some relationships. Just as much, the boundaries of my existing relationships may, in fact, need to change. This is where a lot of stuff comes up...then, there are my children. Gotta love 'em! Just don't love their messes. And this is leading me to draw new boundaries for mess makers. Heh. I don't know what all this is going to end up looking like (and the joy is that I don't have to know) and I am not in this to win a popularity contest!
I think that I am done with the judgment. Many of my family members have not been shy about their feelings about how I live my life. Um, did I ask for your opinion? Really? You don't have other things to worry about or to focus on? The way I choose to live my life is right for me. And it is my right to make my own choices and my own mistakes and my own messes. No one has to agree with me. No one has to do it my way. And ultimately, I know that I have done my best. My best has changed thru the years; that is how this thing called Life works. You make a mistake, you hopefully learn from the experience, you don't do the same thing again. Unless you are insane (doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting different results). I try to avoid the insanty.
I love my family. They still need to fuck off.
Just keep breathing; it's all good.
I really am thankful that I chose to engage in all this shedding. Really. I do feel pretty tired, mentally, though.
Today, I am reminded yet again that I tend to take myself too seriously. I tend to take life too seriously as well. And what for?? It is not something that I choose to do consciously...it just starts happening when I feel stressed (I think). And then, it just spirals outta control.
Life is not without its messes, minor disasters, pains, wipeouts, upsets and general chaos and insanity. The trick, I think, is to just roll with the punches and let it all be okay. Basically, I can't think of one single thing from the last couple of weeks that is permanent in my life. Everything changes, so why not sit back and enjoy the show?
It has been challenging for me to realize that I have to let go of some relationships. Just as much, the boundaries of my existing relationships may, in fact, need to change. This is where a lot of stuff comes up...then, there are my children. Gotta love 'em! Just don't love their messes. And this is leading me to draw new boundaries for mess makers. Heh. I don't know what all this is going to end up looking like (and the joy is that I don't have to know) and I am not in this to win a popularity contest!
I think that I am done with the judgment. Many of my family members have not been shy about their feelings about how I live my life. Um, did I ask for your opinion? Really? You don't have other things to worry about or to focus on? The way I choose to live my life is right for me. And it is my right to make my own choices and my own mistakes and my own messes. No one has to agree with me. No one has to do it my way. And ultimately, I know that I have done my best. My best has changed thru the years; that is how this thing called Life works. You make a mistake, you hopefully learn from the experience, you don't do the same thing again. Unless you are insane (doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting different results). I try to avoid the insanty.
I love my family. They still need to fuck off.
Just keep breathing; it's all good.
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