That fear I have been carrying around--the fear of not being liked if I made a mistake--well, I manifested a situation where I had a very messy learning moment and now, I am living the fear.
While I am telling myself it is for the best--and I suspect that it is--it still doesn't feel very good.
And I can also admit that I was settling for less than what I want and less than what I deserve. And I haven't figured out yet why I did that. I think that sometimes women do that a lot and think that things will get better or that they can fix things. (What if it is not mine to fix?) I can't control other people. That is no fun, too much work and causes massive resentments and other emotional issues.
I haven't responded to stress well in the past and it is obviously something that I need to address in order to live in integrity with myself. I don't think that can happen under stress. (I think that it would take a giant of a person to live in integrity with who they are under stress.) I am being kind to myself and doing things that I need to do in order to feel better. Surprisingly, it doesn't involve chocolate!
P.S. So, I went and took a nap after posting this...I cried a bit and slept after stating some intentions. Everything happens for a reason, even if I don't like it or understand it. I am learning as I go and there aren't really any rules. So, yes, I behaved badly. I sabotaged myself and I deserved what I got. Next time, I will have an experience to draw on which can support me in doing better. Ultimately, I know that kindness and compassion matters. Forgiveness matters and loving myself matters. I have to do it for myself first, no matter what. And even though this did happen, there are other things in my life that are good. And the sense that my life is unfolding the way it was meant to hasn't left me. No, this learning experience didn't ruin the song of my life...
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