Living the Consequences

That fear I have been carrying around--the fear of not being liked if I made a mistake--well, I manifested a situation where I had a very messy learning moment and now, I am living the fear.

While I am telling myself it is for the best--and I suspect that it is--it still doesn't feel very good.

And I can also admit that I was settling for less than what I want and less than what I deserve. And I haven't figured out yet why I did that. I think that sometimes women do that a lot and think that things will get better or that they can fix things. (What if it is not mine to fix?) I can't control other people. That is no fun, too much work and causes massive resentments and other emotional issues.

I haven't responded to stress well in the past and it is obviously something that I need to address in order to live in integrity with myself. I don't think that can happen under stress. (I think that it would take a giant of a person to live in integrity with who they are under stress.) I am being kind to myself and doing things that I need to do in order to feel better. Surprisingly, it doesn't involve chocolate!


P.S. So, I went and took a nap after posting this...I cried a bit and slept after stating some intentions. Everything happens for a reason, even if I don't like it or understand it. I am learning as I go and there aren't really any rules. So, yes, I behaved badly. I sabotaged myself and I deserved what I got. Next time, I will have an experience to draw on which can support me in doing better. Ultimately, I know that kindness and compassion matters. Forgiveness matters and loving myself matters. I have to do it for myself first, no matter what. And even though this did happen, there are other things in my life that are good. And the sense that my life is unfolding the way it was meant to hasn't left me. No, this learning experience didn't ruin the song of my life...

Sometimes, Life is Very Strange

This week has just been one of those weeks. I have been holding on to my good humor to the best of my ability...and then my grip slipped. Big time.

Is it Mercury retrograde or something?

My insides feel calm, truly. And yet, on the surface things are just all over the place and I feel really uncomfortable. I strapped on my seatbelt and I am holding on tight!

I guess I have just messed up this week. Not on purpose. Even though some really good things have happened and I feel like this year is going to be really wonderful...some weeks are better than others.

I think that maybe I am having some hard lessons right now and that is okay. It is all okay. I am doing my best to be kind to myself. I think I lost the respect of someone I care for (because I was being human and had a messy emotional moment) and that relationship will be no more. I am coming to terms that sometimes things happen that way. (Can he forgive me? Can he have compassion? Can he like me even when I am not doing well? Can I ? If he can't forgive me, is he really good for me?) I can't control others--I can only do my best. My best is going to vary from day to day and from season to season. That is okay too. It is all part of the journey.

I borrowed this from someone else's blog:

"Promise youself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on the the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!" ~ Christian D. Larson

Some good words to think about.

Taking Myself Too Seriously

Sometimes, it is easy to take life very seriously. Seriously!

Many times, I approach my life as an observer. I just watch or witness what is taking place--including my own actions and my own feelings--with no judgment or attachment to what is taking place.

What I have been noticing lately is fear around making mistakes, fear around being vulnerable because I make mistakes or because I am human, and a desire to shut down or push people away. Or worse yet, to hide behind intellect or wit or being Miss Efficiency.

The thing is I am probably not going to stop making mistakes; it is part of what most of us call life. That is how most people learn. What I am choosing to do is to rename what I used to call mistakes. I can call it experimenting. I can call it making assessments and adjustments. I can call it a learning moment. I can laugh at the things I do because it is really okay to experiment. I don't know what I don't know. I have the wonderful opportunity to figure it all out as I go along; I may as well enjoy myself while I'm at it. I usually do anyway...I have just recently found myself in a brand new experience being bombarded with all sorts of new things to learn and to remember. I have questioned myself on more than one occasion. And I have been feeling a little crunchy around the edges.

Making a "mistake" means to simply miss the mark. Or to miss a note in the melody line in the song that is my life. Is the whole song ruined because of one sour note? NO! Am I going to hit more than one of those sour notes? Probably--after all, it is a very long song (my life). And that is okay. As far as vulnerability goes, we are all vulnerable at one time or another; we are all human. When we are most vulnerable, we are also our strongest...because we can't get any lower than that low point of vulnerability. When I am vulnerable, I suspect that I am my most authentic self...there is nowhere to hide...and it brings me round to loving myself once more.

I am learning to say, "So What?" And I am learning to like it. So what if someone doesn't like me because I had a learning moment? So what if someone doesn't like me because I cut off most of my hair? So what if someone doesn't like me because I am short, I have tattoos, or because there is a space between my two front teeth? So what if there is clean laundry piled up in my bedroom that I haven't had time to put away yet?

Really, there are more important questions to be asking myself! Do I like myself? Am I having fun and enjoying myself? Am I getting the gifts and the lessons from my experiences? Am I walking away a better person, with more insight, compassion and gentleness for myself and others?

A good clue into my mental state is whether or not I can laugh at something. If I can laugh at it, I am healed or am healing it. Life is pretty funny. I am really amusing! And laughter is a powerful healer and transformational agent. Perception is a funny thing. Perception is reality--it is what I believe and what I, myself, make real. It can change in a split second!

So, today is a split second, laugh at the drop of a hat, kind of day!

Be well!

New Quotes for the Day

"Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor." ~ Benjamin Franklin, 1706-1790

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." ~ J.D. Salinger, b. 1919

"The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp." ~ John Berry, British author 1635-1689

"To achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought." ~ Tom Robbins, American author, b. 1936

"Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, French pilot and author, 1900-1944

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Today is an Awesome Day

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.1929-1968, American Civil Rights Leader

"We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope." ~ Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States

This is such an incredible time for change. It is a time for each of us to take responsibility for our lives and to stand accountable for how we live, how we treat each other and how we care for the earth. We need to educate ourselves, to take back our power over our bodies, our health, our minds, our thoughts and our beliefs. We have such an incredible opportunity to influence our world; it is time to take that opportunity. We can no longer rest complacent. (I think that I might as well be dead rather than complacent--there you go, that is me!) We are all in this together...

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ~ Gandhi

It can sometimes feel like a scary proposition to embrace change. Even when change is a good thing. (We are headed into the unknown and we can then learn who we are in a new way. Will we like what we find?)I know that when my thoughts are centered on "me, my, mine and I" then I am headed for trouble. My view is narrow; I suffer from tunnel vision. I forget that there is a whole, big, wide world out there and EVERYTHING is possible. When I turn inward, this leads to complaints. It leads to limited thinking based on old programming and false beliefs and loads of negativity.

When we remember that our consciousness doesn't exist in our heads--that our awareness is all around us, if we only remember to tune in--suddenly there is beauty in life. There is so much beauty, peace, joy and happiness out there. And it is free. There is no cost. All we have to do is pay attention! There is so much for which to be and to feel grateful.

So, this is my 44th birthday, on the inauguration day of our 44th president. In honor of this wonderful cosmic and divine coincidence, do something good for yourself. Make this (and everyday) the best day ever!

WTF and DGAF Moments...Or the Tale of Two Wolves

Yes, I have those moments! In fact, my favorite swear word is the f-word...

My daughter, Miss B, commented that I am so positive and then I will turn around and have a "WTF" moment. Of course I will. I am a human being and as such, I am sometimes a walking mass of contradictions. That doesn't bother me.

What would concern me is if I didn't allow myself to have my feelings in the moment. If I were to stuff my feelings, my body would be holding that negative energy. My body would change(my relationship with my body would change), my health could potentially change and my mood and my perceptions would most likely go downhill. It is best to express things in the moment as appropriately as possible. If I can't do that, I give myself a big time-out...then I deal with things when I am feeling a bit better. Of course, it would also give me fidgets if I were to hold onto one of those "WTF" moments and if I repeated it for a week or a month or a year. If I didn't express myself in the moment, that suppressed moment could impact me, my perceptions and what I chose to create for the rest of my life...if I let it.

I used to say that anything is possible. Then I understood that in each moment, EVERYTHING is possible. (Thanks, Sent, for that one!) It is completely up to me to choose what will be. In each moment, I have the capacity to choose to be mean, small and unkind, or to choose compassion, understanding and kindness (which all have the promise of moving me closer to love, joy and bliss). I have a dark, destructive shadow self and a bright, loving, open self. They both exist at the same time, neither of them ever goes away. The one that others see is the one that I choose.

Where attention goes, energy follows. It doesn't matter what I think; it only matters what I believe. The mind is like a computer; it remains neutral. It is what we do with our thoughts--whether we keep them, act on them, or store them and allow them to fester and grow inside us that matters...those thoughts--the ones we store--can impact our beliefs. I choose to allow my expression and I choose to control my thoughts. Stream of consciousness and the human "ego" mind is constantly changing and full of nonsense thoughts. Let them flow, let them go, pay no attention and live with non-attachment.

Live from the heart.

A Cherokee Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

January

The flower of the month is plum blossom and the essence of this flower is beauty.

It is my birthday soon...and I think of the promise of buds and blossoms, seeds and saplings. Life provides us each with so many opportunities to plant seeds of love, of grace, of peace, of kindness, compassion, joy and abundance.

Would that I may take each precious opportunity to plant a seed, that the harvest will be plentiful to share with all those that I love.

This is going to be an amazing year!