Face-Planting or Coming Clean

Ooohhh! Do I really want to do this? I don't know. I have some resistance. And I am gonna do this anyway. =/

This shed has led me to dumping so much mental and emotional crap. Crap that I didn't even realize that I hung onto...

The thing about it all is, I have had all the symptoms of holding onto to emotional/mental crap. Really, I have.

Obsessing.

I obsess as a way to avoid confronting the shite. Obsess and obsess and obsess. The big, huge, ginormous give away that there is stuff to look at. That I need to rest with myself and the pain or the fear or the whatever it is, until the obsessing stops.

It means stopping the obsess train in its tracks and getting the fuck off the damn train. No more games. No more beat myself up because I didn't follow some crazy-ass rule made up by my family of origin or ones that I decided to make up to deal with the insanity of growing up under The Big Top. Yes, as in The Circus.

It means finding some compassion. Kindness. Gentleness. Love for myself. And yes, indeedy, I DO love myself. I certainly love myself enough to get off that fucking train.

The rules of my childhood didn't save me from the pain of rejection. The banishment. Because I spoke The Secret. (Since those rules did NOT save me, why the fuck do I obsess over them? I am burning them up, babe, in the bonfire of the true light of my own soul. Bring it forth.)

Even more than that, The Circus is the Cosmic Joke of my life. Really. Was my mother the Bearded Lady, the Ring Master or the Lion Tamer? And my dad? That crazy monkey in the red vest and cap, chasing a banana with a pair of cymbals...and me? I was the Tightrope Walker. Uhuh.