Sunday

I have been contemplating what has been up with me...I am having to not only release a lot of old "rules" about how things "should" be or what things are "supposed" to look like, I am having to confront some of them to find out if they are really true. And how can I know that they are true?

I have learned that finding out what is real means breathing thru the fear--what still exists for me is real in that moment. (Lots of things just seem to disappear and the only thing left is love or light or laughter--pretty much laughter at myself!)

Some crazy fears of late: That I will suddenly wake up one day to find that my body has betrayed me and I have turned into a dried up old prune!

That releasing my ego attachment to outcome also means letting go of deserving, receiving and having that which I desire!

That this particular cycle of growth and learning are just going to go on way too long before I see results!

I wish that I could say that today I am grateful for this learning experience. I don't feel that way quite yet. I can say that I do, in fact, see potential in it and I do think that eventually I will feel infinitely grateful and I will come away from this a more authentic, better and happier me. (I have felt naturally inspired to face some of the more challenging issues that I've been avoiding to the best of my ability. Of course, it also makes me crazy when I do the avoiding thing!)

I am submitting to this lesson and I am attempting to do so gracefully; I expect that I will continue to improve in this. (So, alright, I am not the most graceful of beings. I can admit it and it won't kill me. :))

Looking back at the events of the last year or so, I can see how I have been led to this experience. It is very odd to see that this is so. And yet, I feel its truth inside.

I have been asking to move into alignment with the deepest desires of my heart and into a space where I am open, willing and able to receive. I had a lot to do to get here. The only thing that I can do in this moment is trust that it will all be good, that my heart's desires will indeed be met and that I just have to let go of controling how it is going show up!